Why is it that I have the tendency to focus on (no, obsess) about my failures? And when it comes to my successes, I sweep right over them. I guess when it comes to me, I am not used to failure, so when it happens, I have a really hard time forgiving myself.
When Justin and I lived in California, I worked for The Devil Wears Prada and it was extremely hard on me. It is the only job in my whole life that I feel like I was completely misrepresented and unsucessful. I thought being a nanny would be easy and fun but it turned out to be the opposite, stressful and it put me on an emotional roller coaster. Nothing I ever did was good enough for this family and I went home crying to Justin one too many times. Actually this quote from The Devil Wears Prada sums up exactly how I felt working for that family:
" I don't know what else I can do because if I do something right, it's unacknowledged. She doesn't even say thank you. But if I do something wrong, she is vicious. "
Well, I did something wrong that was the unforgiveable sin and I knew if I didn't quit, I would never hear the end of it and my life would be miserable. Even though I know I did the right thing to quit, I can't help but think about the situation and feel guilty and get down about it. I think it is my obsessive nature to continue to relive and torture myself about these kinds of things.
I dont' know if I'm the only one to do these kinds of things but it is definitely a weakness that the devil has found especially now that I am about to start a new job. The beginning of the year is a nervewracking time for a teacher. I am also very excited and looking forward to teaching again. This will prove to be a very busy week for me. I have been working very hard to get my classroom ready before Thursday night when we will meet our new students and their parents.
I hope everyone enjoyed this beautifully rainy weekend as much as me! This weather is such a nice break in the middle of August!
1 year ago
6 comments:
I hate it that you had to deal with that woman. I'm actually amazed that you hung in there as long as you did. I know what you mean about obsessing, about your failures or about things that just didn't go right. I often let the past seep into my present and effect it, which then effects what I do in the future. I wish I could just snap my fingers and shake things off, or that someone could just extract some of my memories that do me no good. Still, I think it's the case with me and also with you that tough things we have gone through will serve to help us in the future somehow; being a little wiser, or realizing that sometimes people's behavior just isn't personal and is something about themselves that they are dealing with, or recognizing a bad situtaion so as not to repeat it, or being about to comfort someone who has been through something similar, or etc. You are a very strong girl, and I know you will be a great teacher this year, and hopefully the past won't bring you down but instead will make you stonger and help you to realize your worth is priceless and doesn't change even when you deal with people who don't treat you like they should.
oops, I meant "able" to comfort someone
OKAY, FIRST THINGS FIRST...I've tried leaving you a comment a couple different times this week and either I have the worst luck or your blog doesn't like me because each time the comments have up and disappeared! It's an evil conspiracy, I tell ya.
ANYWAYS...you are not alone in how you feel/deal with situations/people/things. I know they seemed like harsh people to work for, but I am willing to bet that you blessed their lives in many ways. Now whether they acknowledge the blessings or not, is their deal. But I know you made an impact. I was talking to a friend last week about blessings and she said, "We shouldn't be surprised when God blesses us, there are no blessings in disguise with God. He is God and He is capable of anything." I absolutely believe He used that situation last year to bless your life with character, strength, determination, and compassion. Sonja, think about it for a minute -- you had all four of those things when dealing with that family. You had compassion for the children and stayed because of them. You were determined to always do the right thing. And through it all, it just added more "muscle" (for lack of a better term) to your strength and character. Our experiences in life shape and mold us for what is to come in the future. Keep your head held high like you deserve it to be, and know that you bless many people's lives daily, a lot of times without even knowing you do so (I happen to think this is really awesome when this happens). You know I love you! And you will do amazing at teaching this school year, Mrs. Smith!!
Um...I have no follow up for the really amazing and encouraging comments left by our other friends. Really, I can only agree and say they said it better than I could :-). Anyway, that being said, I'm glad you're back in the SS area. It was always weird to hang out during holidays or whatnot, and not have you or Carrie there. Good luck teaching!! I know your kids will LOVE you. Hopefully there will be no Devil Wears Prada moms. (although, it is AR, so there might be some Devil Wears Wal-Mart)
you really shouldn't think of that job as a failure. it wasn't. quitting something doesn't mean that you have failed. i use to think that too and it's taken many actual 'failures' to realize that.
i've been taking a marriage prep class and they had us fill out questionnaires last week to determine our personalities and how our different personalities interact and the things we need to focus on doing and not doing. since then i think i have a better understanding of people and how we interact. all that to say...
i think quitting was the next step. the right thing to do. you can't let people take advantage of you and that is exactly what she was doing. she mistook your kindness for weakness and started to think she could do whatever she wanted. Leaving that position was such a great step. you stood up for yourself. and like heather said, you blessed their family so much - you were consistent and you took care of their children. they fail to see the blessing but that's not something that we can control.
ps. i'm glad your back in siloam springs too :) i hope you have a nice time meeting your students and you don't have any that try to staple their own hands.
I know I'm a little late commenting on this, but I wanted to anyway because I relate so strongly.
I was encouraged by the other comments. I agree with Julie that when people behave so nastily, it's definitely a reflection of their own issues and not at all a reflection the person receiving the abuse. I feel like if I could just remember this one thing all the time, I could go through life with such a sense of peace.
I think it's so true also what Heather said about how you HAVE blessed that family whether or not they recognize it. This is something I need to keep in mind. Even when no one recognizes something I did, that doesn't mean it wasn't worthwhile. It's amazing how we miss this all the time.
What Carrie said was SO important, too, that quitting was not a failure, but a victory, because it was the right decision. It reminds me of a C.S. Lewis quotation:
"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive."
I had a really cruel teacher a few years ago who said some really damaging things and encouraged her students to do the same. It was extra hard for me because up until that point I had nothing but extremely encouraging professors who loved my work and would protect me and the other students from the workshop getting hateful and out-of-hand. It was hard to even write for several months after the class. I hadn't realized how dependent I was on the praise and encouragement. I think it's fine to benefit from lots of encouragement, but I didn't realize it was filling the holes of my own insecurities. I'm still trying to forgive and pray for that teacher, and trying to feel the creative freedom and joy I felt before that class in my writing. I think when I finally move on fully, I will be not only just as creative, but wiser. I think you are already wiser from your experiences, even if the sting hasn't fully faded away just yet.
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